Reviewing friend's article

Free Hugs for every one
Article by Edi Suryanata (3B)

In the video we can see a man who doing a campaign about share the happiness with hugs. he was walking in the downtown while holds sign " free hugs". The first when he wanted to show the action, a lot of people who just smile and move away when he greet, but him never give up. And then the situation was changed when an old women come to him and then him asked to get a hugs from him. the man gladly accept and gave her a hug. the situation was changed after that there are many people saw that and some people wanted get a hugs from the man too. every person who passes are always asked to hugged him like young man, women, old, and kids wanted to get a free hugs from the man.

Because a lot of people there and the campaign that conducted by the man was banned by the police. The man tried to explain what was the purpose of the event. After that, the police allowed him to continued his event. so many people to do the same and finally the man give a signature list to the people who wanted to get a free hug and supported this event. Every one who supported this event will give a signature and finally 10 thousand signature from people was reached. After that the police permit the man to continue his campaign and it's awesome when every people can share a hugs and happiness. This video have a lot of moral, this video can tell us how important respect and share a happiness.
(http://edysuryanata1.blogspot.com/2013/10/campaign-about-free-hugs.html)

Topic sentence of 1^st paragraph

(a man who doing a campaign about share the happiness with hugs)
I think it supposed to be a man who doing a campaign about sharing happiness by giving free hugs, we need to inform the reader about what is the article about

Major supporting sentence  
he was walking in the downtown while holds sign " free hugs"
Comment: I think there ts supposed to be “Holding” and not “Holds”

Minor Supporting sentence(s) (The first when he wanted to show the action, a lot of people who just smile and move away when he greet, but him never give up) I don’t think it’s an appropriate minor supporting sentence, so I suggest you to check and make a better one

Major supporting sentence 2 (the situation was changed when an old women come to him and then him asked to get a hugs from him)
I think the tense is mess up, It supposed to be “The situation was change when an elderly woman came to him and then asked to get a hug from him”

Minor supporting sentence(s)

(the man gladly accept and gave her a hug.)
Comment I think you write it in the correct way, good work man

(the situation was changed after that there are many people saw that and some people wanted get a hugs from the man too)
Comment: please don’t push yourself to write a long sentence, because I think this sentence can be divided into 2 sentences, you need to pay more attention about marks

(every person who passes are always asked to hugged him like young man, women, old, and kids wanted to get a free hugs from the man)
 Comment: I don’t really understand the tense here, isn’t supposed to be “Every people who passing there were asked for a hug from him” and the rest of the sentence ? I think you need to pay more attention on you tenses and grammatical order

Topic sentence in 2^nd Paragraph
Because a lot of people there and the campaign that conducted by the man was banned by the police
Comment: I think the structure of the sentence isn’t right, It supposed to be “because there are lots of people”
Major supporting sentence 1
The man tried to explain what was the purpose of the event. After that, the police allowed him to continued his event.
Comment: please carefully write your sentence, after “to” we can’t use “ed”
Minor Supporting sentence(s)
(….)
Comment: it seems that I can’t find the minor supporting ideas here, you need to add it to make the situation to be clearer
Major Supporting sentence 2
so many people to do the same and finally the man give a signature list to the people who wanted to get a free hug and supported this event.
Comment: check your grammar again, its not “To do” but “Do” or “Did”
Minor supporting sentence(s)
. Every one who supported this event will give a signature and finally 10 thousand signature from people was reached
Comment: good sentence but still have some incorrect here and there, I mean it “Supports” and “Achieved” not “Supported” and “reached”
After that the police permit the man to continue his campaign and it's awesome when every people can share a hugs and happiness

Concluding sentence (….)
sorry but I did find a sentence about what is the moral value or such, but you did not write it in the proper way, you need to do it in a better way so that people will get what is the point of your writing

Grammar > Please give extra attention about your grammar, lots of tenses were messed up and I think it’s bad for your writing, it would be nice if you correct them soon

Vocabulary > the words selection is not too bad, but please keep so that the vocabulary will support the grammar, phrase like “to hugged” or “to hugs” aren’t really appropriate here. So please try to do better in the next assignment

Mechanics > I think the structure of the text is good, the plot progressing well and we can get the point clearly, but I just wondering why you write about the police twice ? I mean, you already write that they allowed the campaign, and after several sentences you write again about they permitted the campaign.. weird for me, so please re-check your writing before you post it

it's so good to be able to write a review about our friend's writings, i seems we can compete and exercising to make our writing skills better

Review by Bhisma Griwanasta (3B)